Spam glorious spam

Spam spam spam spam.. One of the hazards of having a public email address is that I receive a fair bit of spam. In fact I get so much spam, I thought It was about time we started publishing the weird wacky.. and just downright stupid emails. I thought I'd start by publishing each moronic email here, and also categorizing and scoring them by:

I know that technically this is only 4 points, but I thought that the 2nd point was so important it was worth mentioning twice.

Raving Lunacy 3/5 - The writer definitely is trying to make a point...
Pointlessness 4/5 - ...sadly it's to the wrong people.
Spelling and Grammar 0/5 - I don't think there's a single sentence in it that makes sense
Wackyness 5/5 - Definitely a 10/10 on the loony scale.

In short, congratulations sir. Your writing style, whit, and sensible attitude has won me over to your point of view.. whatever it is. You'll find 12 rolls of rubber soundproof wallpaper, a padlock, and a nice new jacket (with special retaining straps) in the post on it's way to you.

Erm..no These guys seem harmless enough, but no - honestly I really don't want any surplus marine equipment.

From: Marine Digital Inc. [equipment@marinedigital.com]
Sent: 21 May 2002 7:20 AM
To: arnie@arniesairsoft.co.uk
Subject: Used Products Newsletter (Week 21)

선박 구매/판매 l 자재 구매/판매 l 중고자재 구매/판매 l 선박부품 구매/판매 l 해외 제휴 체결

2nd Issue
Week 21
21^st MAY 2002

뉴스레터 신청

수 신 거 부

판매/구매 무료등록

중고장비 판매등록

중고장비 구매등록

::: 연 락 처 :::

송종복 이사
TEL : +82-2-966-6701
FAX : +82-2-966-6703

중고 장비 판매 & 구매 List !!!

저희 (주)마린디지털은 중고장비의 판매 및 구매를 위해 귀하와 상호 협력하게 된 것을 대단히 기쁘게 생각하며 아래와 같이 새로운 판매 및 구매 정보를 보내 드립니다. 당사 사이트에서 중고장비의 판매 및 구매등록은 무료입니다. 다만, 전세계 53,000 여 회사에 이르는 고객들을 위해 반드시 영어로 등록을 해 주시기 바라오며 사진 및 상세설명을 정확하게 등록해 주십시오. 관심 있는 장비에 대해서는 소정의 정보료를 결제하시면 판매자 (구매자)와 직접 연락을 취하실 수 있으며, 직접 연락을 취하시기 곤란하거나 문의사항이 있으시면 언제라도 마린디지털 비지니스팀으로 연락을 주시기 바랍니다.
	당사는 On-line 뿐만 아니라 Off-line으로도 고객 여러분을 지원합니다.
	- 중고장비 판매 / 구매 - 중고장비 수리 / 검사 대행

:::: HOT SALE ::::



FURNACE JEMIX(USA) MFG : 1997	BENDING ROLL FUJI CAR / 6 M MFG : 1969	JIB CRANE IHI / 60 Tons MFG : 1981	TRANSPORTERS SCHEUERLE / 110Tons MFG : 1987



COAL UNLOADER IHI / Gantry Type MFG : 1988	EXCAVATOR CAT / 325BL MFG : 1996	EXCAVATOR CAT / 245B MFG : 1990	SKY FORKLIFT ROTO / 30P MFG : 1996



BULLDOZER KOMATSU / D375A-2 MFG : 1990	WHEEL LOADER CATERPILLAR / 980C MFG : 1985	FORK LIFT CAT / V925 MFG : 1992	CRAWLER DRILL FURUKAWA /HCR200 MFG : 1990



HYDRAULIC CRANE PETTIBONE / 74TK120 MFG : 1974	HYDRAULIC CRANE KATO / NK 1000/MB+SL MFG : 1997	POWER SWEEPER RAVO / 5002 MFG 1995	LIFEBOAT VADYAR / 50 Persons MFG : 1999



EXCAVATOR HALLA / HE220LC MFG : 1996	SKY LIFT SIMON / MP40 MFG : 1995	CONTAINER FORKLIFT SISU / RSD 4227-4CH MFG : 1998	CRAWLER CRANE KOBELCO / 7150 MFG : 1994

:::: PURCHASE LIST ::::

아래의 구매 물품을 찾고 있습니다. 연락처 : 송종복 이사(jbsong@marinedigital.com)

1.	Equipment : Tower Cranes Maker : Liebherr, Peiner Model/Type : 290HC, SK315 Quantity : 1 / each Type Due Date : 30th June 2002	2.	Equipment : Floating Crane Maker : Any Model / Type : 2000~3000 Tons Quantity : 1 Due Date : 30th June 2002
3.	Equipment : Hydraulic Crane Maker : Any with Telescopic Boom Model/Type : 16T, 25T, 35T, 60T Quantity : 1 / each Type Due Date : 20th June 2002	4.	Equipment : Marine Generators Maker : Any Model / Type : 300KVA Quantity : 2 Due Date : 20th June 2002

서울 동대문구 청량리동 207-34 한국과학기술원 7309호 (Tel : +82-2-966-6701, Fax : +82-2-966-6703)
(주)마린디지털 대표이사 김태년 (terry@marinedigital.com)
Copyright (c) 2000 Marine Digital Inc. All rights reserved.

Now onto those scores!

Raving Lunacy 1/5 - They honestly seem quite sane.
Pointlessness 5/5 - Definately a big 5 here.
Spelling and Grammar 5/5 - A nicely typeset and well presented email.
Wackyness 5/5 - Kinda pointless.. but believe me if I had the spare cash I would buy that Coal unloader ^_^.

Thanks guys, the thought is much appreciated, but we don't need any surplus equipment. Honestly guys I really mean no offense, to you. If I was in the market for large bits of machinery like that I really would buy it from you.

Yours sincerely

Arnie

You are just plain nuts aren't you? After the third or fourth copy of this email hit my inbox I thought it was about time we fought back. :) Here's the complete rubbish that I received... do these people never learn?

Dear Sir,
First,I must solicit your confidence in this transaction,this is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and top secret.though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried,but i am assuring you that all will be well at the end of day.

I have decided to contact you due to the urgency of this transaction,as I have been reliably informed of your discretness and ability in transaction of this nature, let me start by introducing myself properly to you. I am Usman Boma, credit officer with the Union Bank, lagos.

I came to you in my private search for a reliable and reputable person to handle this confidential transaction , which involves the transfer of huge sum of money to a foreign account requried maximum confidence.

The proposition: A foreigner an american, late engr John creek (SNR) an oil merchant with the federal government of nigeria, until his death on 30th of January 2000 in Kenya airways bus(a310-300) flight kq430, bnked with us at union bank of nigeria plc lagos and had a closing balance as at the end of 2000 worth US$85,000,000.00(eighty five million us dollars), the bank now expects a next of kin as beneficiary. Valuable efforts are being made by the un Nigeria to get intouch with any of the creek's family or relatives but to no success.

It is because of the received possibility of not being able to locate any of the late engr. John creek (SNR)'s next of kin (he had neither wife nor children that is known to us).
The only beneficiary name given to us by late Engineer John Creek(SNR) who died in September 11th terrorist attack in U.S.A to her person Mrs.Marbel Brein.

In order to be a honest and responsible citizen of my country Nigeria,I now decided to seek your permission to have you stand as next of kin to late Engr.John Creek (snr)so that the fund US$85Million will be released and paid into your account as the beneficiary's next of kin.All documents and proves to enable you get this fund will be carefully worked out.I have been chosing by the Union Bank Board of Directors to locate any of the deceased family to stand as a beneficiary's next of kin and that is why I decided to contact your person.

I am assuring you that this business is 100% risk free involvement.Your share stays while the rest will be for myself for investment purpose according to agreement within the both parties.As soon as I receive an acknowledge of receipt of this message in acceptance of our mutual business proposal,I would furnish you with the necessary modalities and disbursement ratio to suite both parties without any conflict. If this proposal is acceptable by you,do not make undue advantage of the trust I have bestowed in you and your company,then kindly get to me immediately via my above email address or call me on this number:234-8023064130. Please furnish me with your most confidential telephone/fax numbers and exclusive Bank account particulars so that I can use this information to apply for the release and subsequent transfer of the fund in your favour. Thank you in advance for your anticipated cooperation.

Yours faithfully,
Usman Boma.

_________________________________________________________________
Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp.

Arnie says: Dear ("Big Bombad") Usman, I was with you there right up until the part where you wanted to solicate me, and my brain just gave up. After awaking to a damp feeling of something running down my shirt (I dribble when snoring sometimes), I started to skim-read though your long, badly typed and really boring email. From what I can see it can be abbreviated to:

"...blah blah blah, money lots of,blah, blah, give me your bank details so we can commit wire fraud, and blame you for it..."

The dead give aways that you were telling porky pies throughout that email were:

Now onto those scores!

Raving Lunacy 4/5 - Well it's a really swell idea...
Pointlessness 3/5 - ..but they ain't getting my bank details
Spelling and Grammar 1/5 - I'm guessing the guy was either very drunk or spaced when he wrote it.
Wackyness 4/5 - Either way it really is a nice idea offering me a heap of money in an offshore bank account. Thanks but no thanks guys.

I'm sorry but the bit that said "...Please furnish me with your most confidential telephone/fax numbers and exclusive Bank account particulars so that I can use this information to..." had me giggling for ages.

Yours sincerely

Arnie

When politics drives you nuts...

Dear Friend:

As America's brave men and women continue the assault
on terrorism abroad, Sen. Tom Daschle and his accomplices
in Washington, D.C., have launched their own assault
attempting to twist reality to gain an advantage in the
coming political season. These self-absorbed liberals are trying to operate under the radar in an effort to secure a stronghold in the capital and in the hearts of American culture, demonstrating their interest in power, rather than in the Truth.

Truth is the enemy of those who hunger for power.

Truth must be pursued vigorously, honestly, and intelligently.

Truth is what we offer in the pages of the Conservative Chronicle.

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P.S.: If you still aren't convinced, here are some
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Please allow me to add my thanks, along with millions
of other conservatives, for the fine job you people do
in bringing us the thoughts and feelings of so many fine columnists. I don't know how you do it. We can't get this side of the news through our local papers or, for that matter, the television media. Keep up the fine work. I couldn't get through the week without you.

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Arnie says: Dear Sir, Taking your email seriously for a moment: "...You can also subscribe for six months for $26 or give us a try for 13 weeks for just $13..." 13 weeks is well 3 months, so as you can see 13USD is a real bargain of an offer. ^_^

Back to reality for a brief moment.. as you are such brilliant authors of quality articles, have you ever considered writing understandable sentances? I mean really:

"Truth is the enemy of those who hunger for power.
Truth must be pursued vigorously, honestly, and intelligently.
Truth is what we offer in the pages of the Conservative Chronicle."

You really have been watching too much of the X-Files! ... there's more:

"...These self-absorbed liberals are trying to operate under the radar in an effort to secure a stronghold in the capital and in the hearts of American culture, demonstrating their interest in power, rather than in the Truth..."

Can self absorbed liberals fly? If so, are do they contain such a high metal content that they appear on radar? Why don't they use stealth technology? What is the "Truth"? What is the weather like on your planet?

All the best guys. Oh yes, I forgot to mention, who are you, and what do you do? I've read the email several times, and to be honest I really don't have a scoobies as to what you are on about. Who are Cal Thomas, Walter Williams, William Buckley, Bill
O¹Reilly, Robert Novak, Charley Reese, George Will, Mona Charen, Ann Coulter, Pat Buchanan, Samuel Francis, William Rusher, William Safire, John Leo, David Limbaugh, Phyllis Schlafly, Thomas Sowell, Brent Bozell, Linda Chavez, Maggie Gallagher, Jeff Jacoby, Michelle Malkin, and Oliver North anyway (I'm sure they are lovely, famous, inteligent people and all)?

p.s. Does your magazine come in soft, absorbant and easily tearable pages?

Lots of patriotic love and kisses,

Arnie

Now onto those scores!

Raving Lunacy 5/5 - Yup a big Hawaii Five-0 here
Pointlessness 5/5 - I'm not even American, who the heck is Sen. Tom Daschle (and what's a 'sen'?)?
Spelling and Grammar 4/5 - It's English JIm, but not as we know it.
Wackyness 3/5 - To be fair the guy has at least one foot embedded in reality, sadly the other is lost on daytime TV (somewhere near the TellyTubbies).

All your gas belong to us...

From: Active Services [active@brain.net.pk]
Sent: 16 September 2002 4:03 PM
To: arnie@arniesairsoft.co.uk
Subject: REFRIGERANT-12

FROM
MOHAMMED YUSUF CHAUDHRY
CHIEF EXECUTIVE
M/S. ACTIVE SERVICES
14-B KHAWAJA ARCADE
17-WAHDAT ROAD
LAHORE-54600 / PAKISTAN
FAX: +92 42 7552613

IMPORT OF REFRIGERANT GAS-12

KINDLY GIVE US C&F KARACHI PRICES FOR

GENETRON BRAND OR ANY OTHER POPULAR BRAND REFRIGERANT GASES DICHLORODIFLUROMETHANE (R-12)
PACKING: IN DISPOSABLE JUGS
QUANTITY: 1X20FT. CONTAINER LOAD

THANKS AND BEST REGARDS

Arnie says: Dear Sir, I can happily provide you with a 20foot contaimer load of R-12 gas. We can supply you with handily disposable cans of the gas, each carefully labeled. Our popular brand here is called 'Green Gas'. Sadly I we haven't devised a way to keep it in jugs without escaping, so hopefully the cans will do.

At my estimation we can fit 8000 bottles in a 20 foot container. Cost per bottle is £15 UKP, giving us a total of 120,000UKP (10,909,218.92 PKR Pakistan Rupees), excluding p&p.

Shipping and handling costs are an expected 3000USD (2000UKP).

This brings a total cost of 11,093,570.38 PKR, excluding local taxation costs at the destination port.

All the best,

Arnie
---------------------------------------------------------------
Stock Manager, Arnie's Airsoft bulk HFC Gas shipping service

Now onto those scores!

Raving Lunacy 2/5 - Apart from the love affair with the CAPSLOCK key he seems to be of this planet.
Pointlessness 5/5 - On what basis does this website having a few articles on HFC gas pertain to us becoming a worldwide reseller of refrigerant gas in teeny ickly bottles?
Spelling and Grammar 4/5 - I'd prefer it without the caps myself.
Wackyness 3/5 - Well the thought is there, it's a perfectly valid question, and I'll be over the moon if this guy seriously wants this much gas at that price.

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